Nina Simone was Right
On Evergreen Fear
I feel happiness for the first time in my life here in Tokyo. Nina Simone has a quote, “I’ll tell you what freedom is for me: No fear.”
That’s it. Yes, of course I’ve felt joy before. But I’ve never not felt fear. My heart is resting on a fluffy pillow somehow here. Resting.
I have a brilliant cup of green tea brewing and I am going to an Alice in Wonderland themed restaurant for lunch. My childhood favorite story. Then I get to drop off my art at the gallery for my show tomorrow. Then I have an Anemoia Tokyo show tomorrow. A new Tokyo invention (and isn’t it all new in some ways here) of kabuki, traditional theater, and interpretive dance (seriously check it out, I’m so excited). I’m listening to music.
Yesterday I went to Tokyo’s oldest Shrine. Hie-Jinja Shrine. 800 years old.
If you read my last subbystack, you know that I was aiming to get in touch with my inner child or who I call Little Laura. I told her I was going to bring her to Tokyo. God damn was I a fucking nerd as a kid. I sat in the library at lunch lookin at travel books and the two countries that I was most drawn to were Japan and India. But really I just wanted to fucking go anywhere. Everywhere. I’ve never let my fear get in the way of my travel. Or my past poverty. I’ve been to India three times, South Africa, Sri Lanka, France. But fear has always dulled my abilities to enjoy and find happiness on these trips, even while fulfilling my life’s destiny of being a traveler. Shit, it’s one of the reason’s I’ve chosen not to have kids. I wanna be selfish. Sorry, not sorry. But fear always ruined it.
I’ve had a lot of good things in my life. The bad things are obvious. Even you reading this probably know that much about me. But I’ve never let myself find joy in them. When I reach a dream I always ruin it for myself out of fear. It was self preservation. If I don’t let myself find joy, it can’t be inevitably ripped away. And it will be.
I bought this totally cute journal here in Tokyo yesterday while I was out, and I started doing some sketching. That’s what I call when I start writing out some writing ideas, either for an essay or book I have in mind. It’s like a big brain dump of seemingly unrelated shit.
I was writing down all the things Little Laura and big Laura have in common.
Feisty
Survivor
Resilient
Compassionate
Big heart
Caring
Healer
Creative
Artistic
FREE
Little Laura saved big Laura and Big Laura saved Little Laura.
We were both free in the ways the other wasn’t. And we both helped to liberate the other.
I’m going to finish my green tea and get ready. I’m going to let myself be excited about the day. The DAY. Cause that’s all there is right now and that’s all I care about.
Love, L